Tuesday, June 17, 2008


Two years ago I sat in a fast food restaurant in Kansas City with my two girls having lunch. Kaiden was 20 months old, Jordan just 2 months. A woman sat behind us, muttering something to herself, then she began talking at me. The woman was mentally ill, and was convinced that my tiny Jordan was her son. She began to cuss at me, demanding that I give back her child. She said I couldn't take him to California, she wasn't going to let me. She began to walk over to me when a manager came and escorted her from the restaurant. As she left the building she banged on the windows and said she wanted her child back.
I have often thought of that woman, wondering what did happen in her past to destroy her mind in that way. I wondered if she really did lose her son - was he taken from her, did he die? Now, having lost a child of my own, this woman is a very real picture to me of what could happen if I do not daily hand over my pain and sorrow to the Healer of my soul. This woman was trapped in her moment of loss. Perhaps I too am still somewhat trapped, like when I wake in the middle of the night and think I am still pregnant. I joke with my husband that I will be 98 years old in a nursing home and conviced I am going into labor! Some days I wonder when such feelings will fade, but in other ways, I hope to never lose them.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

In Better Hands

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down....

I first heard the song In Better Hands by Natalie Grant last fall when Mark was deployed. On November 1st, after a long hard day as a pregnant mommy with 2 toddlers, I sat in the Chick-fil-A parking lot munching on fries and praying my husband to come home soon. Better Hands Now came on the radio and I was reminded once again that God presence and grace were so strong and perfect to hold me safe while Mark was away. As the song ended, my cell phone rang - it was Mark calling from overseas - ticket in hand and bags on board- he was coming home.

I have continued to hear the song numerous times in the months since Lia's passing and each time it brings joy to my heart. The greatest joy came on Memorial Day. We visited Lia's grave in my husbands hometown and saw for the first time the beautiful memorial stone. My mother-in-law gave us a small statue - a baby asleep in angel's wings - to place beside the stone. I didn't want to leave the cemetery that evening. I felt that holding vigil would somehow keep her safe and ease my pain. Mark planned to leave with the girls and return for me later. As I helped me load the girls in their seats, Better Hands Now began on the radio. I took another minute at Lia's grave and then left with my family. Lia didn't need me to stay there - she is in better hands now, held in the love of God.

In Better Hands by Natalie Grant:
(video - very emotional for me)

It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you don't love yourself
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on
There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
Its like the world is silent though I know it isnt true
Its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room

So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

Friday, June 6, 2008


I have been on the road for almost 3 weeks now. We began the road trip to my husband's hometown over memorial day weekend. That is where Lia was buried, but more on that later.

A week and a half into the trip I was completely drained. I found my Lia CD in the case and put it into the car stereo on the drive from rural Iowa to Kansas City. The Lia CD is a compilation I made back when things were "normal" - 2 weeks before Lia was due. It is full of beautiful, empowering, and visual music that I wanted to listen to in the days leading up to her birth. This CD now has become so much more than just a relaxing meditative pregnancy CD - the songs truly communicate so much about this season of life.

As I drove through another downpour on the way into KC - the song "Sunshine on my Shoulder" by John Denver was playing. Though I did not intend it when putting the CD together, several of the Lia songs refer to sunshine. How ironic I thought -Sunshine. Lia was stillborn on a rainy-icy cold November day. She was buried during an ice storm. And now, 6 months after her passing, our road trip back to hometowns, family, and her grave has been socked in with rain and severe weather.

Listening to the song and driving through the rain I was reminded that the sunshine which warms my soul and gives me hope is not of this world. And if I look to this world to be my source of strength and hope, I will have nothing but misery equal to 2 weeks of constant rain storms and dreary weather! I understand that my hope is in things to come - in a eternal place where there are no shadows for the light of the Lord is ever present. But in challenging times here, I lose sight of that light and focus only on the shadows. So I prayed as I drove on - Lord just let me see your light.

And as I prayed, a car passed me with a personalized license plate: SN SHNE.

Isn't the Lord a riot! Here I am in the modern comfort of my minivan, zipping along a drenched interstate and the way the Lord communicates his presence is through a passing vehicles plates! So if you are the driver of a Volvo crossover from Nebraska with the plates - SN SHNE - just know that the Lord used you to bring a little sunshine into my rainy day.

Lord thank You for reminding me once again that my hope and my joy cannot be found in the things of this world but only in You. God, the coolest thing to me today is that though my hope is in heaven I can receive it now. That simply leaves me speechless. Thank You for not leaving me to deal with this alone.