Under All I Say and Do

Following my last post earlier today, I was discouraged. It has been a challenging day- attending the visitation of a stillborn child and learning of the tragic death of a near born child and mother. But shortly after my writing, I sat in my mommy chair for a much needed quiet time and read these words from Streams in the Desert

Just longing, dear Lord, for you,
Jesus, beloved and true;
Yearning and wondering when
You'll be coming back again,
Under all I say and do,
Just longing, dear Lord, for you

Some glad day, all watching past,
You will come for me at last;
Then I'll see you, hear your voice,
Be with you, with you rejoice;
How the sweet hope thrills me through,
Sets me longing, dear Lord, for you.

Yes my grief is a constant undercurrent of my life, a constant longing for my child. But a deeper stronger current flows, my spirit's longing for the Giver of Life. The amazing thing to me is that my desire for the Lord, my longing for Him is strengthened and sustained not by me but by Him. That gives me great encouragement on these difficult days when I really don't know that I can continue on the path He has laid before me, a path to seek out the hurting and bring them the hope of Christ. On days when the pain is overwhelming, His constancy within me is stronger still.

Thank You Lord for your sustaining grace that not only opens the gates of heaven for me but allows me each day to take a simple breath.

Breathing

Grief is like breathing - a silent undercurrent of every moment of my day and night. Like breathing, my grief often goes unnoticed. I continue through the day, busy in the activities of routine and the chaos of kids. But then for those brief moments when I stop to take a breath or sigh - in those moments my mind invariably becomes aware of my grief. Questions and emotions pass slowly through my mind, almost to the rhythm of my breath. Sometimes I wish that this season would pass, that I could go through a day without the quiet undertone of painful memories. But I am sure a day will come when I realize that Lia has not been on my mind, and I will grieve.

Praise You in this Storm

I heard this song for the first time last Sunday at church. I am glad the music was loud because I am sure my sobbing would have echoed off the cinder block walls. I was so amazed how every line perfectly echoed the words I have cried out to God in the privacy of my home. But after watching the video and hearing the inspiration for the song, I understand why. Click here to watch the live performance and read along with the lyrics below.

Praise You in this Storm, Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

A Wise Woman

Having a daughter in heaven has caused us all to think a lot more, and ask a lot more, about heaven. Kaiden wonders if we need shoes in heaven, she wonders if God makes people be nice to each other, and she wonders how far away heaven is. I do a lot of contemplating too. I wonder if Lia knows her great granparents, I wonder if she can see me, and I often wonder how "old" Lia is now.

You see, I only thought of Lia as a newborn for one day - the single day I was able to hold her tiny hands and feet. Ever since then, I have always seen her as a young lady - full of wisdom and spirit and joy. In a way, I hope she isn't still a baby. God gave her a mind and though it never grew to contemplate the things of this world, I certainly hope that she has the full use of it to praise and enjoy Him in heaven!

Just a few days ago, as I was packing away some of the girls old clothes, clothes that would have been Lia's, I realized that I don't even think of Lia as the baby of the family. Despite her birthdate, it really feels like she is the older sister - years older in fact than Kaiden and Jordan. Oh, I bet she is a woman of great wisdom now! It makes me smile to think that my daughter is already wiser than me! It brings me so much joy to think of her in that way. Isn't that what all parents hope for - for their children to grow in wisdom and someday surpass them?

Lord, I thank You that almost every thought of my daughter brings a joyful smile to my face - that each time I begin to grieve of something lost here on earth, You remind me that every joy of here is a mere shadow of the joys of heaven. Oh Lord You know that I desire my daughters to grow in wisdom and grace, to be beautiful women who glorify You. But any level of wisdom we achieve here is only a seed of the wisdom abounding in heaven. What joy I have that Lia may worship You in spirit and in truth in Your very presence. Thank You Lord for using my sorrows to show me the glory of heaven!

My Restless Heart

Oh restless heart - beating against the prison bars of your circumstances and longing for a wider realm of usefulness - allow God to direct all your days. Patience and trust, even in the midst of the monotony of your daily routine will be the best preparation to courageously handle the stress and strain of a greater opportunity, which God may someday send.
-- Streams in the Desert, March 17 reading

Deep Enough to Dream

There are moments when I am suddenly smacked upside the head with a flashback or memory - moments when I do not want to dwell on the pain. I had one of those moments last night at 1am, while I slept restlessly waiting for my husband to come home from a late flight. In those moments when painful memories become an unwelcomed guest, or when grief simply becomes a bit too much to bear, I listen to a beautiful song from my pregnancy CD - Deep Enough to Dream, by Chris Rice. His words and melody carry me away, first to a quiet sunny porch, then to heaven itself.

Lazy summer afternoon
Screened in porch and nothin' to do
I just kicked off my tennis shoes
Slouchin' in a plastic chair
Rakin' my fingers through my hair
I close my eyes and I leave them there
And I yawn, and sigh, and slowly fade away

Deep enough to dream in brilliant colors
I have never seen
Deep enough to join a billion people
For a wedding feast
Deep enough to reach out and touch
The face of the One who made me
And oh, the love I feel, and oh the peace
Do I ever have to wake up

Awakened by a familiar sound
A clumsy fly is buzzin' around
He bumps the screen and he tumbles down
He gathers about his wits and pride
And tries again for the hundredth time
'Cause freedom calls from the other side
And I smile and nod, and slowly drift away

Deep enough to dream in brilliant colors
I have never seen
Deep enough to join a billion people
For a wedding feast
Deep enough to reach out and touch
The face of the One who made me
And oh, the love I feel, and oh the peace
Do I ever have to wake up

'Cause peace is pouring over my soul
See the lambs and the lions playin'
I join in and I drink the music
Holiness is the air I'm breathin'
My faithful heroes break the bread
And answer all of my questions
Not to mention what the streets are made of
My heart's held hostage by this love

And these brilliant colors I have never seen
I join a billion people for a wedding feast
And I reach out and touch the face of the One who made me
And oh, the love I feel, and oh the peace
Do I ever have to wake up
Do I ever have to wake up
Do I ever have to wake up
Do I really have to wake up now

Our Family Wall

As I sit in my mommy chair, reading and journaling - this is my beautiful view:

It includes pictures of our family, pictures of the girls together, individual pictures of the girls, and a small sculpture of a mother and father holding a baby. The cross is there to remind me that the Lord is always present in our home. I set up this display about 15 months ago, and when I put the sculpture and cross together on that shelf, I remember thinking - that's how it should be, us laying our children before the Lord.

One week before Leah was born, I sat in the mommy chair, looking at the wall and wondering where we would put her pictures. I thought through a new layout for all the frames and looked forward to adding her beautiful face.

A week after Lia died, I sat in the chair again, looking at the wall which would never hold a picture of her. No longer did it matter where she would fit in. Then I realized that she had been there all along. The Lord knew, on that fall day 15 months ago when I hung the photos, before we even contemplated baby #3, to include Lia on our family wall. I thought the sculpture and its placement beside the cross were just symbolic - but that is Lia we are holding. Our little girl who we have loving laid before the Lord.