Sunday, September 21, 2008

So Why the Silence?

If I still want to talk about her, as my last post stated, you may be wondering why I haven't written in so long. Two huge things have occurred in the past months that have delayed me from writing. First, this blog's primary purpose is to share with others what I am learning from God while traveling this road. And for the month of August, I truly shut God out of my life and my heart. I got caught up in a hundred distractions and simply forgot how essential it was to daily communicate with my Creator. The Lord is the one who leads my heart, my thoughts, and my fingers as a type. Writing without His leading is arduous. I stumble to connect my thoughts and struggle to communicate clearly. But with His words and my hands, I am able to share the previously unspeakable struggles of my heart. When I rejected His fellowship last month, I lost a clarity of mind and the hope of each day. I began to lose any connection to Lia, and I lost the most critical thing - my daily strength found only in Christ. So why the silence, because I gave God the silent treatment.

This month my relationship with the Lord is being restored. His end was instantaneous. The moment that I cried out, recognizing how I had exchanged my love for Him with love for the things of this world, He immediately embraced me. But I still walk cautiously, like a lover caught in an affair, unwilling at times to believe I have been truly forgiven and restored.

Now for the second reason for my silence. A most amazing and surprising thing has occurred.

We are pregnant.

I am 15 weeks along, and hopeful through the rough days physically. But this surprise in my life has caused me to turn inward in a way I have never experienced before. I simply wasn't prepared to share with others the strange and often unpredictable mix of emotions I am facing. Even today as I write I still hesitate, but I trust that the Lord will continue to lead my fingers to share what He desires.

So I guess this blog and its purpose have been extended. Not only will I be writing of grieving and healing, but now the new strange emotion of saying goodbye to one life while welcoming another.

The Lord drew me so close to Him when Lia died, and as the months have passed, I have begun to drift away from His love. Now, faced with a future I did not anticipate He is once again drawing me in, allowing me to say in tears and in prayer what He already knows my heart is feeling.

Oh how thankful I am for a Creator who listens even when I am refusing to speak. How thankful I am that He knit me together and understands every fabric of my being. He is never shocked by my words, my emotions, my actions. He just watches, waits, and then embraces me. He is not offended by my eternal joy in the face of death, or now my grief as new life begins. He allows me to feel and be what I am while guiding and drawing me to a place He has designed for me.

Thank You Lord for not requiring perfect right emotions or a mature response to this life. But thank You most of all that in my time of need You make Yourself even more known, drawing me to You.

1 comment:

Gene said...

Congratulations, Anissa. Blessing and well wishes to you and your family.

So you're starting to feel better, eh?

Jennifer and I just had our first on Sept 11. Everyone is doing well and I may be happier than I've ever been in my life.