Sunday, November 23, 2008

A Long Night, A Painful Night, A Joyful Night

Saturday night was frightening for me.

It was at 2am on November 23rd of 2007 that I woke up and suddenly knew that my daughter was gone. Now here we were one year later, preparing to fall asleep in the same bed in the same room. As I walked into the room, I said to Mark - "I think I'd rather go stay at a hotel tonight than be here!"

As I attempted to sleep, the phantoms attacked. Phantoms are my words for invitations of grief that do not come from within. They pass around me and whisper horrible thoughts that I have never contemplated. The most frightening one whispered - what if it happens again tonight.

Grief overwhelmed me and I began to cry. It was then my new little girl gave me a big kick. Praise You Lord, I called out, praise you that I am pregnant again. You knew how difficult tonight would be and thank You that my body is not empty! Thank you for the new little girl you are growing in me.

T4 (Tyler#4) is not much of a kicker yet. She has her active moments but overall is a calm girl. But Saturday night, she kicked for the entire night! Every time I woke up, there she was, wiggling away as if to say, it's okay Mommy, I am still right here with you. Mark had not felt her move before, but last night she gave him a big 'ol kick that made his finger jump.

God directs the paths of migrating birds, He causes the rain to fall on the earth, and I believe last night He instructed my daughter to dance away! What a blessing.

No comments: