the spiritual battle of grief
Here is a news flash for you - Satan doesn't take a holiday. Mark and I used to joke about this when churches take "summer breaks" from Sunday School or fellowship. Satan isn't taking a break so why should we? Even though I knew that Satan never takes a vacation, I was still shocked when I realized that Satan doesn't take a break when I grieve. Instead, he goes on high alert - looking for an inroad into my exposed and wounded heart.
His favorite attack on me is guilt. In the middle of enjoying a dinner date with my husband, the voice creeps in - you wouldn't be hear if Lia was alive. How dare you enjoy yourself. Today, I went to the first day of the women's winter bible study and the voice creeps in -- you wouldn't be in this study if Lia were alive. Last night while watching a football game cuddling up beside Mark, the voice comes again - if Lia were here, you would be caring for her tonight, how dare you enjoy time with your husband. This is just the first line of attack. True to his nature, Satan has no limit to the evil he can devise: This morning, as I slowly awoke from a rare full night of sleep the voice spoke again - how dare you enjoy this moment, you are actually glad that she is gone, you wouldn't be able to sleep in if your baby were here - maybe you never wanted her in the first place, you are such a horrible woman.
It is moments like this that I am thankful to know the truth - Satan is the author of lies and there is no condemnation for those of us who know the Lord. With that knowledge Satan's attacks are easier to spot. Anything I hear that drives me to depression, condemnation, and shame is not of the Lord. The Lord has used my grief to show me areas of sin, but His voice is gentle and directs me to the hope of repentence. Satan's words only drive me toward death.
When the voice of death comes to condemn me, I remember a favorite phrase of a young girl named Madison: "Shut up stupid head!" Madison refers to satan as stupid head, and in those times when she hears the voice of temptation she says outloud "Shut up stupid head!"
I can get too caught up sometimes in the battle for my mind, wondering if there is any truth to Satan's words, wondering when the attacks will ever relent, wondering if there is any such thing as spiritual ear plugs to block out his words. But perhaps I need to approach this like a child and not over think it - I just need to say aloud - "Shut Up Stupid Head!!"