Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The Void

the comfort of being busy

Mark is back to work now, and my days feel strangely empty. Oh, there are plenty of tasks to do - laundry, cleaning, sorting, organizing... but I am struggling with a feeling of purposelessness today. (is that even a word??) I keep thinking of what I would have been doing - holding a little baby, nursing her, rocking her to sleep. I think of her in a sling around my waist as I do my chores. I think of all that I would have been balancing at this moment and when I compare it to what I currently need to do - I am left feeling empty.

I look at who I was supposed to be on this day - a supermom raising three little girls and preparing my home for a big move to South Carolina. My life seems strangely easy compared to what I was planning to face. As a result, I am filled with too much time. 3 months ago, the last time life was "normal" I was hugely pregnant and raising 2 energetic girls - praying every night for daddy to come home soon from his deployment. The days are so much easier now that today for the first time in memorable history, I was actually running early.

Sounds wonderful doesn't it? But this extra time leaves me with a void in my life - a void in which I am often left sitting and contemplating my pain. Oh how I wish life was hard. How I wish that I were a pioneer woman who cannot take a day to rest, who must toil all day just to finish basic chores and put food on the table. Or I wish I had a job outside the home to occupy my time and my mind. I wish I could overload myself with volunteer jobs and other acts of service. But instead all I have at this moment is a house of small mundane tasks and two children with unending requests.

A friend prayed for me today. She prayed that I would fill the voids in my life with only the Lord. As a mommy, I find comfort in being busy - it keeps you from thinking and feeling too much. But in our busyness it can be easy to ignore the voids of our hearts. So the challenge I face right now is in making wise choices with my time - rather than filling my free time with new projects, am I willing for life to be a little less busy? Am I willing to have some down time and not fear the grief that may rise to the surface in the moments of silence?

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